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A collection of my own music
A selection of discussions presented to illustrate my crazy view of the world
My personal photo collection
The letters page |
Letters Page Letter submissions should be mailed here. Sir, in Kanye West's latest single he refuses to call his bitch a gold-digger, even though she clearly only wants him for his money. I'd expect much more from a multi-platinum selling nigga! S. Sreesanth, Ipswich. Sir, when willl the godscverfdnment grafnt fdunding for keybdoards for ypyeople wiith unuisually large dffingers? A. Spastic, Herts. Sir, I asked Kanye about his latest song, and he told me to listen between the lines. When I did this, I clearly heard a husky-voiced individual saying "She take my money when I'm in need. Yeah, she's a trifflin' friend indeed. Oh she's a gold digga, way over town. That digs on me". I would therefore like to retract my previous letter. S. Sreesanth, Ipswich. Sir, last week I was watching '10 Years Younger', and I saw Dr Sam Strachan making incisions around a woman's face in order to completely lift the skin up over her head. When I tried this on a female colleague at a Christmas party, I ended up in court. Once again, it's one rule for famous cosmetic surgeons, and another for the rest of us! S. Collymore, Stone. Sir, whilst travelling in the US, I saw this advert in a newspaper that made me chuckle.
M. Johnson, Chester. |
Sir, I read recently that the sinking of the Titanic was caused by a collision with a large iceberg. If hindsight teaches us anything, surely it is that slowing the ship down and carefully navigating through the iceberg field may have averted the entire disaster and saved hundreds of lives. M. Johnson, Chester. DAVID SEAMAN'S HANDY TIPS!
Sir, I recently failed a job interview for a management role at a large financial institution. When asked "What is your greatest strength?", I replied "Managing large teams of people." When asked "What is your biggest weakness?", I replied "I have no weaknesses." Surely this would make me an ideal candidate for the job. Anon, London. Sir, to solve the problems of Muslim traditional dress clashing with social norms, why can't we just provide Muslim women with see-through burkas and headscarves, just like the see-through bin bags the council gives us for recyclables? A. Dustman, Leeds. Sir, it's been said that if you shave off your pubic hair, your penis becomes magically longer. However, when I tried this last month, I found that my 12 inch ruler was not long enough to measure either before or after shaving. M. Johnson, Chester. |
Sir, I have been a regular reader of the Daily Mail for the last twenty years, and it still amazes me how seemingly intelligent people can disagree with what it has to say. D. Johnson, York. Sir, I recently saw on a news website that most Internet users' biggest fears concern the security of online banking. Is no-one worried about paedophiles anymore? M. Johnson, Chester. Sir, out of the many terrorists who are fighting to destroy our country's values, I can only guess that none of them have sat and enjoyed tea and scones at the Henley Regatta on a glorious summer's day. J. Beauliegh, Stow-on-the-Wold. DAVID SEAMAN'S HANDY TIPS!
Sir, I think it's horrible that the Irish have been so unified recently in their hatred of the English. I'm so glad that we don't feel we have to victimise a country in the same way. However, if I had to choose someone, it would probably be the French. J. Beauliegh, Stow-on-the-Wold. Sir, I was recently in a public house, and I noticed that the toilets were marked "Gentlemen", "Ladies" and "Disabled". Should this not have read "Disableds" for consistency? M. Johnson, Chester. |
Musicians
- having trouble remembering scales? Why not try using modal
scales to dictate the mood over each chord, whilst remembering
that they contain the same notes that can be found in major
scales of another key?